i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
