So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
