Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
