she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
