I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
