I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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