The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
