Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
