Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
