I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
