No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
