Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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