All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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