Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
