dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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