I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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