a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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