You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
