If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
