So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
