The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
