he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
