i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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