she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
