My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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