I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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