Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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