Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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