she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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