You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
