dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
