god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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