glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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