you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
