Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
