Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
