I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
