So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize