after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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