i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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