Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
honey bunches of taint.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
