nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We don't watch enough power rangers
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
