My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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