she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize