I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
