i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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