Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
