I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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