Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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