So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
