now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
