Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My ATM looks so different sober.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
