Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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