Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
