Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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