Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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