she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
