Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
